.thinking about birth.

i went east, up the verdant hills, thick with grapevines and oaks, and had a visit with my midwife, deborah bartle.

she had a majestic offering of garden veggies, fruits, and eggs; a perfect reason to wander her pastures and little country farm with my boys.

persimmons, pomegranates, chives, oregano, thyme, celery, collards, kale, limes, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, squash, basil. oh the foothills gardens in fall time, so much abundance. 

i've never really given her a shout out for how much i appreciated her services. and although i've written about the actual birth of link i've never really talked about the previous journey to the home birth decision, and finding deborah.

like a lot of lovely, conscious women i know, i had started my second pregnancy committed to awareness and health--- and i was looking into my options.

my first child was born during a really hard time in my life 6 years ago. i was young, unprepared, full of fear and anger...i had not educated myself about ANYTHING. i was just along for the horrid ride with my eyes closed, hoping it would be all over soon. i didn't know where my life was going. that pretty much sums it up.

don't worry, though. it all worked out in the end. you may think this is me and link, but it's not. it's me and teddy whooping it up. i'm almost 21.

i was "overdue," induced, impatient, open to all interventions (that's what birth was, right?) and eventually wheeled into a "emergency c-section" where i was put under full anesthesia because they couldn't locate the place to insert the epidural...like all of my ironic uses of quotation marks to indicate dubiousness? (this is the g-rated version, because i ain't about scaring ladies with horror birth stories....there's enough of that out there..) 

i woke up 45 minutes later, a small, wrapped bundle was placed into the crook of my arm. *sigh* that was my teddy, my sweet sweet strawberry headed pink skinned nearly 10 pound teddy. i didn't feel upset about the way he was born, i was mainly overwhelmed about adoptive parents and signing papers and wtf was i supposed to do without him??? we all died over teddy.  i experienced my very first panic attack in the hospital. 

i'll end that long story there. but basically, facing my second pregnancy, with some years gone by, i knew i wanted things to be different. i had a better vision of myself as a mother and a parent.

newly pregnant with link

i started maternal care very ambivalent, though, and started off going down the main highway of what our insurance offers. i peed into cups and sat around waiting for hours at a time, my blood pressure was checked... i became very agitated with this, but i didn't have the words to explain why. then my obgyn said it was unlikely that i'd give a vaginal birth, due to my history of such a "narrow pelvis" and a big baby, but she would let me try when the time came. (but to not get my hopes up.) I LOST IT. I CRIED AND CRIED AND I HATED HER. i wrote seething poems about the state of my hips, meant to open for birth, how my body was strong and healthy.

that's when i realized (over-generalized statement coming up, my story folks..) the contemporary health business does not understand nor respect the process of birth. (and i understand that there are always happy exceptions..) but, she would let me try?????? was she my body's boss? was there something inherently wrong with me, that my body just wouldn't open up when the time came?

i never went back. it was awesome.

now, i toyed with the idea of a home birth, but i was scared of birth, like i've been taught. it hurts, like, for reals. you need doctors, people, it's dangerous. tyler was not into it. yeah, yeah, we watched the business of being born, but we we're still unsure.

my belly popped out right away

so we looked into birthing centers. (the happy middle ground, right?) and even at this point i asked the resident midwife there if they did epidurals. (see, i still thought you needed one to give birth even this far in the game...) she stared at me.

awwwwwwwww

i went as far as to meet with a natural birth educator/doula, who became a true friend. she had low rates, came to our house 4 different times, and pushed a doll through a turtle neck. she helped dispel myths i had about breastfeeding (she is the local le leche league queen), and is training now to be a midwife. she had interviewed every midwife in the area when she was pregnant, and she recommended the one that most fit her needs to me. 

and tyler, i guess to make me happy, came along to the very first consultation with deborah.

both of us growing together

i wanted a home birth. it was settled. i was into it, i understood. the only thing that was heavily persuading us otherwise was the price.

and i know i'm not alone with this, which is so sad to me. i know so many women who would opt for home births if health coverage was different. our fancy federal 

employee health insurance will easily pay 30,000$ for another c-section, but not the 4,000$ for a humble home birth. hell, i could run a pharma-drug business from my home with all of the free prescriptions i could get, but our insurance won't cover yoga classes or flower essences or home birth. (well, duh, there is no profit in health.)

ty and i debated:

couldn't i have my intervention-free natural birth at the hospital?? it would be freeeeee!!!!!!!!!

yes, i could. but i knew i would need an awesome defense team protecting me from the anti-vbac pressure and hospital stress, etc etc.

we could hire rachel as our doula! yes, yes we could.

can't i just birth at home, unassisted, for free? why is this a business? ty: NO.

and then one day the debate was over somehow, we hired deborah. i was 8 months pregnant and excited and nervous for the experience. we appealed to our insurance over and over, asking for reimbursement, but we were denied. they do not cover home births.

but-

i trusted birth. i knew, that if i felt safe, my body would go ahead, fully knowing what to do. this is what bodies do. but i could not be interrupted, that could delay things. 

the baby would help. the uterus would contract, opening up the cervix. this part hurts. the pain is the uterus and cervix opening up. i'd push. the baby would come. the end.

i believe that for a moderately healthy woman birth will happen.
from start to finish things will move along, and the process will be fine if left alone.
the end.

and i wanted that.
i wanted to take that ride the whole way through without any interruptions.

and that's the short version of what actually happened. :)

fu**, i'm crying because i unbelievably glad to still be alive. oh, hi lincoln.

and deborah was everything you'd imagine a country midwife to be: earthy, easy going, experienced, baby loving... before the birth there would be appointments at her office/cottage near her home. she'd show us movies of home births and water births and talk about different pushing positions. she's relaxed, understanding, and comforting. she's hands off unless requested otherwise.

she just lets birth do it's thing, she quietly watches over. she suggested captain morgan stances during particular heavy labor moments, she pushed on my hips. i thought i was literally dying, but she knew better. she had me lie down when it seemed like the most painful thing to do and put me on my side. i didn't know i was in transition, but she sensed the time to push was soon. and it was. minutes later my water broke and i was pushing on my hands and knees.

deborah, right, and the assisting midwife rachel, holding lincoln. every single picture on this blog except the veggie photo was scavenged from this very blog, so yeah, a lot of repeats.

i got to have my baby birthed from my vagina at home under deborah's watchful eye. she was able to guide us back to a timeless place, where birth is as natural to the body as breathing.

it was a little of a dream come true for me, it fit my life path. no interference from nature's easy way.

i broke free from what was expected of me, and followed my heart and body and inner truth instead.

it was simple.

my body did it's thing, my baby came, and i love midwives. 

they face a lot of financial and legal and political and bureaucratic opposition in this country, which is abhorrently unjust and limits birthing options for most mothers.

and that, folks, is my two cents on birth.

seriously, if you live in the greater sacramento area and are considering a home birth, (or doula, or fertility hypnosis, or natural childbirth education) i highly recommend meeting with deborah.

i couldn't have been more pleased with my experience with her.

today. little chipmunk saying "cheese." i'm guessing the reason he loves our bed so much is because he was both conceived and born there.

thoughts during the new moon

sink bath, teddy, a million lives ago.

film, pure love.

1st birthday with andrew. maybe last?

teddy, a dream i had once

1. planted gathered yarrow seeds. and radishes. and greens. and tulip bulbs.

photo from here

2. walked to my nearest prairie slice of wilderness swamp and saw:

• musky, Our Favorite Muskrat. 
• a snowy egret. 
• a preying mantis becoming a mother.
• a patch of young yarrow taking over sidewalk grass.
• a cloud of gulf fritillary. i've tracked them down, apparently the caterpillars eat passion flower vines exclusively, which i've only so far seen at the local whole foods. they'll fly up farther north if these plants are available. it's like being in a butterfly garden, little chrysali everywhere, mating adults, caterpillars eating the passion flower to nothing, and butterflies drying their new wings. magic.

photo from here

i go camera-less most days. and not by choice. it's easier and harder all together. are links to google images un-cool? let the internet be mine eyes!

photo from here

photo from here

weber creek, below my in-laws' home in p-ville. this picture does not capture the proportions of water to unique rock mass. i love the plant community here, at this elevation, in the canyon near the water.

le dame, le equinox.

goat herd, grandpa's goats rockie and rollie. a young niece of mine suggested they be named itchy and bitchy. good stuff.

my in laws came home in august. how little did they know of how much they would be seeing us. ;) (i must of spent at least 4 nights out of the last week sleeping in their guest quarters.) but seriously. i love these people. tami is throwing a impromptu party for teddy.

a motley clan of pure-blooded dweebs. like, the dweebiest kind. we can't help who we are, and i love us.

teddy, once upon a time. my autumn boy; life's biggest lesson. for his birthday i promised him a caramel apple from apple hill. that's it. it's okay though, because grandpa tom got him the electric train he's been asking for. softy.

nut. baby tree. wooden flower. fertilized.

we had so much fun tossing just-right cones. the best ones explode with pine nuts the way a beaten pinata lets go of sweets. digger pine---> grey pine---> foothill pine. that's better. the indigenous people said the trees would dance at night, and then when the sun came up they froze in the wild positions they were in. dancing wild trees.

buckeye. blackberry.

a little pervy, but cheers!

3.  this: http://www.cycleofthemooncleanse.com/beginnings/ totally loving the community.

working on conscious rhythms.

re-investigating the way we eat and the effects of the moon. 
(and cultural appropriation and being able to overcome my frighteningly powerful and legitimate sugar addiction and being more involved at teddy's school the way other moms are and wanting to feel okay with where i'm at......whew..is it really october?)

sending love and balance, cuz maybe we've all been a little outta whack.

transition------relief

(but first, an addendum to my previous post about the house:
i'm leaving it posted because it happened, and i felt wild and raw during the time. i currently do not feel the same way...there were many facts of interest that i was then unaware of that, in present light, make me glad it did not work out.
the end.) 


i dig cycles.
the turning of the earth.
the response of plants and all other living things.
change. 
(moon in saggitarious, mars in aquarius, and venus in gemini can do that to a fellow 
mary, your posts have been reminding me to dig out my old charts!)



in the spirit of harvest:

mid-laugh

hailey the farmer. dang girl, you livin the dream. i was boggled by her numerous heirloom veggies.

side note: hailey and i go waaay back. yeah, this photo happened. when teddy was link's age. and way before that; we're cousins.

and i have been greedily feasting on the best real food since...zuchini relish, home made goat cheese and milk, eggs, smoked peppers, vinegary hot sauce... i've been swooning over meals i've been making. hailey you spoil me. let's talk about dehydrators again. we belong together.

now far and near on field and hill
we watch the death of chlorophyll
as earl autumn rushes in
with xanthophyll and carotin.
i hold that ignorance is bliss
considering the fact that this
is how a botanist percieves
the colorings of autumn leaves.
(so this is autumn, w.w. watt)

teddy, one year old.

a past harvest moon.

a study of curious blue oak leaves:

uprooting, moving about:

wright's lake

taylor creek, tahoe basin.

aspen grove

google+, you gif crazy.... the watershed is alive with the sound of music

stream profile at the visitor center: a happy regular memory from childhood.

the bird

da ow, the lake of purity, the gem of the sierra.

juxtaposition at fallen leaf lake:

old film: teddy at fallen leaf lake meadow, age one

fallen leaf lake, little teddy

i've gone to this place every year of my life, september is the best time to go. the sage is blooming, the air is balmy and golden, the air sweet with jeffery pine. pine nuts swirl to the ground and it snows yellow pine needles. taurus and the pleiades stare down from their velvet back drop, telling the same tales of summer's end.

same meadow, five years later

teddy, age almost 6, link, 18 months. pondering how quickly they grow. BLOWING MY MIND.

i gather treasures, colorful stones and minute bits of lake driftwood, for my bio-regional swap buddy.

flying fairy food feeds us. "a seed is a baby plant and a bundle of food all wrapped up in a package." -the green kingdom. baby pines.

jabbers, melts my heart. hikes around, melts my heart. i snuggle this little goober. his comprehension grows every day. we can really talk to this tiny human, and he communicates back. magical.

almost 6, holy moly. i've lived 1000 lives it seems, with this kid beside me.

what does it mean to be "settled down?" i've been thinking about this a lot. married? parenting? in one place? older? schlepping my kid to school every day in the camry with other parents?

i never thought 25 would look like this for me, but let me tell you it ain't too shabby. ;)

where else can i share these gifs?

i've envied/envy women who've waited to become mothers, who've had all of their 20's and 30's to address their needs and dreams and wanderings. in my personal limited opinion i think that is a great way to really become ready for motherhood/parenthood. i was talking a new friend from school, an older mother than i. she told me the first day of school she dropped off her child, and then she just sat and bawled in her car. "you mean i have to do this for the next twelve years?" she, like me, could not grasp the idea of being so anchored, for better or worse, to their child's routine. drop off and pick up and little room for wild adventures in between. when where we supposed to road trip across the country? etc etc etc...during weekends and summer break i guess. this woman, a dual-citizen who is well-traveled, told me she envied me. i'm 43, she says, when your kids are done with high school you'll be younger than me. you can go and do whatever the f*** you want.
i laugh, but you've already done so much of what you wanted to do, i haven't!

me and teddy from another, wilder, time.

how do i know what 40 will look like? will i want the same freedom or will i crave to be settled down then?

 WHOA, the adventure of it all, everything, especially young motherhood and the beauty of the two i love and care for, and who love me back.

transitioning, always.
hello equinox. 

(ps- there are a lot of smart and talented parents at teddy's school who volunteer their skills ((accounting? writing grants for non-profits? carpentry?)) yeah, i can't do any of that... but i can point out plants and share exciting facts about them!

i'm leading the children on a native plant walk along the creek this tuesday and i am beaming.
i have knowledge and gifts to contribute to the school's community.)

xoxo