in like a lion....

out with a lamb (wrapped up skin to skin in the moby)

40 weeks

<the real birth day of lincoln>

TO HELL AND BACK, our survivor speaks.
my HBAC (home birth after cesarean.)
a few things have changed in my house:
first off, we've turned the heater on for the very first time-
secondish, i am no longer pregnant.


in the past two weeks i've replayed the day over and over in my head;
the strange sensory details, the subtle nuances of labor, the breaking of my body, the moment of contact-
the fear--- and the triumph.

let's just say it was more than i ever imagined it to be, harder than i ever knew.
the only way to know to is to do.

let's hop back to three weeks ago.


i was very pregnant and tired of it. i spent my days walking, cleaning, and trying not to get my hopes up too high whenever i felt the practice contractions. it's really easy to do, even when you've completely deconstructed the idea of a "due date." i knew realistically that i could have a gestational period of 43 weeks, and i was trying to stay patient since i was going to let nature do her thing and have a completely spontaneous labor. so we went about our daily lives, pretending like we weren't waiting.

exploring the last wild swampy places in empty lots and between the strip malls, getting tadpoles

i wore this just about everyday. i'll get it back to you, mom.

planted a kumquat and mandarin tree in our front yard, used our lovely compost.

my mother-in-law tami gave me a pedicure...i was pregnantladyzilla that day.

my last day pregnant, who knew. 

now the story starts: on sunday night, around 11, i put down my reading material and turned off the lamp. tyler is already asleep and ready to get up early for work. i wake up at midnight with what feels like a really pinchy menstrual cramp at the base of my uterus. i wait a few minutes; it's consistent. i want to wake up tyler and tell him he doesn't have to go to work in the morning, but i don't want to cry wolf. i'm trying not to get excited. once upon a time my natural child birth educator specifically said to try to get back to sleep if awoken by contractions. the number one reason home births transfer to hospitals is from maternal exhaustion. (im sorry for the poorly constructed run-on sentences....my brain is a little tired..)

but i am excited. my whole pregnancy i was nervous i would never go into labor (crazy idea, i know, but i was induced with teddy so there was a lot of institution-instilled doubt.) deep inside i was terrified i would fail, and end up with another c-section. i tried to stay faithful to nature.

i wake up tyler with little fanfare, and go to the kitchen to start an early labor project: food. i ate a whole box of spongebob mac and cheese (an unusual, but welcome treat) and started cringing from the contractions. i tried to go back to sleep. no luck. at around 5,or was it 6? i tell tyler to call deborah, the midwife. my contractions are strong and regular and i'm convinced the baby will come by lunchtime. i am already so tired.

"mother is proud. baby is proud." we both cry a little. a wise woman once said the baby who cries needs to tell their tale.

 okay, so i realize this story is about a year long...let me try to condense to reduce everyone's screen time;
i know it's the new thing to hire a labor and birth photographer, but while i was in labor the thought never even crossed my mind. i'll paint you a basic picture: me, shuffling silently across the floor slowly in a house coat, chin tucked to chest, breathing slowly. tyler watches on with doleful and attentive eyes. i smile at him wanly between contractions. i don't want to be touched. we don't speak. he'll attest that it was the quietest i've ever been (until labor progressed that is.) the midwives sit in silence on the couch in my bedroom, occasionally taking food/bathroom breaks, checking my blood pressure, and listening to the baby's heart beat. the midwives were really hands-off, trusting completely in the birth process. initially i didn't even want cervical checks, but eventually i started asking for them, hoping my hours of pain were making progress. at around noon was the first check. hesitantly deborah told me i was at a "4." talk about bitter disappointment after 10 hours of painful labor. i think it was then i learned how to pace myself. in pain the mind learns to do weird things to cope..laborland... thoughts are repeated over and over, like when falling asleep. i must of heard "i'm just a teenage dirt bag baby, listen to iron maiden baby with me..." a million times in my mind. (thank you, wheatus, for partially getting me through labor..)

the baby is still part of the mother's body. birth is just the beginning.

 i thought, "i am the Uterus Queen!"  i thought, "the pain is normal, my body is opening up, the pain is purposeful, allow the body to open..." in my bathroom we threw a plastic backed table cloth on the floor. it crunched under my feet as i paced it in circles, like a ritual. i learned how to handle contractions on the toilet, sitting, and opening up...i'd sit for three contractions, and then get back to my pacing. i was bleeding all over my beloved strangely comforting table cloth, my cervix was disintegrating.

rachel, and deborah, the coolest midwives ever.

 essentially it was this: the peak of my reproductive cycle, a climax of sorts. the whole time i thought i was so stupid to do it without drugs. what was the point? i practically drooled when i thought of teddy's birth, general anesthesia with a c-section...i wouldn't have lasted in a hospital. i would've had that epidural after an hour of labor, and a c-section a few hours later. i'd wander out to where the midwives were sitting. i'd tell them i couldn't go any longer, that i was dying...i wanted them to take over for me, to manage my birth. luckily they were so non-reactionary... they would just smile and say, "you're doing great, every thing is fine..." and then i'd wander back to my table cloth. there was no quitting, labor just happened, and i had to be open to it. occasionally i'd have a mental break through and think,  "this is my birth. i need to own it. no one else can do this for me." it was mystifying. i prayed for strength...the words of cheesy pregnancy affirmation cd's come to me: "your ancestors are waiting with a banner for you and your child"... .it was a battle. my pelvis had a stick of dynamite in it every minute for hours, and the baby was turned the wrong way. there was a bowling ball being pressed through my hips, crushing my bones. there is no way to prepare for that kind of pain.

rachel showing us the placenta's tree of life. it has since then been encapsulated.

 i labored on my feet for nearly 21 hours, with little to eat or drink in the mean time. i stayed mainly in my bathroom, the "pit of dispair," my darkened lair, for the majority of the event. i thought, maybe this is the only way to prepare me to be a mother again. i was in a self-hypnosis, waiting for transition, waiting to push, waiting for a time to rest. i got up on the bed, on my hands and knees, and my water broke. SWOOSH, all over. there was a change in the contractions, and i started pushing with them.

i am so happy to see teddy.

 it hurt, but it also felt so good to push. i could actually now participate in labor. it was the very first time that i felt i would actually meet my baby, that this was real, and not just painful. it. was. exciting. the uterus is strong! and i pushed so hard with every contraction. no one told me when to push, or how to push; the body just knows. people have likened the pushing to major pooping, but no, that's inaccurate. what it really feels like is pushing a baby out of the birth canal! i growled, nay, i roared with every push, like a lioness. la gritanda! i was going to get that baby out of me! there was a major stretch, but i kept on pushing...who can think about tearing at a time like this? POP, his massive fat head is OUT! i can see tyler's face...fascinated and wide eyed with anticipation and concern. i'm panting now, with his head out, waiting for the next contraction. i ask: does he have hair?! i reach down and feel his warm little wrinkly head! one more push, oh! his shoulders slide out, and his hips, and he is placed on top of my belly. i laugh and sob and tyler wipes a tear from his eye. "i did it! I'M DONE!"  mainly i'm impressed that i am, in fact, still alive. :)

 my body washes over with relief and peace and pure happiness. we remain that way for another hour, tyler cuts the cord after it is done pulsing. tami and my mom come in with teddy. there is rejoicing....and admiring. and i am hungry. tyler feeds me apples and peanut butter, i gulp down some soda. oh so good.

the throne of learning how to breastfeed.

 tyler holds his baby and the midwives give him a check-over. he's perfect..he breathes a little fast but deborah isn't one to freak out about those kinds of things. he weighs 9.8lbs and is 22 1/4 inches long. and his head is bigger than teddy's was..(another reason why they told me i needed a c-section.)

first bath with grandma tami casper.

 TRIUMPH!

 now i feed a pink gorilla baby as much as he wants. Ho bio-LOGICAL life. he's hardly ever been dressed, we hang out skin to skin mainly...for me it smooths out that transition from womb to world for both of us.

entering the system: off to auburn for the birth certificate, complying with california law. ;)

 there is nothing like seeing tyler with lincoln. i love everything, so much. i enjoy their shared company to the fullest.

my mother in law tami, at this very moment, is sewing the COOLEST cloth diapers and flannel liners. i couldn't be more excited about this. tami, you da bomb, for a million different reasons. (notice the cup o' human milk.. i rain milk, like a milky lady cloud)

i look at this picture and i wonder, when did i become a mother? let alone mother to two beautiful little people--- balancing youth/individuality and parenthood really isn't that hard; they just will go exploring with me. it's about learning, and it all comes down to love. there's a lot of love in the world.

the ever turning wheel...

 we watched the longest night turn by,
the winter's night.

watching the sun set in her winter place, and start the journey back east on the horizon.

 

some decorations are better than others. link has really been enjoying life in the sparkling suburb this winter. "Lie lie!!" (that means -lights-)

it's not really snowing in our swamp, but i like this.

my spinning/fiber raising friends conrad and renee got married! 

at heather's hello, baby! party. j and e loving their very own baby.

too sweet. it was so much fun to spend the cozy afternoon with such lovely people. 

i was feeling grumpy walking through a packed neighborhood to see the lights, crowded sidewalks and the gutters filled with Styrofoam cups and backed up traffic. why was i subjecting myself to this? and then i saw him, quasi moto. and then i was reminded of the true reason for the season.  (not.)

our winter

gathering treasures.

nibbled cattail.

coyote: the opportunist. 

sandwiched by my own shadows. dock, gone to seed.

did you know that our favorite go-to swamp is really a narrow swath of land, unpaved, surrounded on either side by: a Surewest operating facility, a housing tract, train tracks, and a lot, plowed over, waiting for the next developer?  i feel like we're the only ones who know it's there, besides the killdeers, red-wing blackbirds, jack rabbits coyote, etc... and of course, because we have no where else to go.

and it's lovely. we collect redbud blossoms and cattail shoots in the spring, acorns and buckeyes in the fall, and my boys climb the stubby oaks.

remember when the moon rose over the carl's jr sign in placerville? it was magical.

and we tracked mountain lion prints in my in-laws back yard.

(the eagle picture my dad painted, which he hung for my birthday. posted, finally, as promised.)

book shelf at teddy's school

roseville

we spent the solstice eve wandering with dear friends who live in the northern foothills.

i may think i pine for pines ;), but what really soothes my heart is greening pastures on rolling hills, dotted with ancient oaks.

hidden in the hills is a kindred spirit. whipped raw egg, kale and parsley juice, a little hot pepper. the new grass grows under the oaks like a emerald green carpet.

i find myself in her winter mantle. we make dinner together, the children play. we watch the sun set from her house perched atop a hill overlooking the valley.

i had the pleasure of watching teddy in his very first school holiday show. the ornaments he's made in class add the missing element to our tree.

it is now christmas afternoon as i finish up this post, and what a merry wintry time it has been!
my love for winter and darkness is deepening.
xoxo

with darkness comes bustling.

we begin the quiet dark days: we get up with the sun, soak up as much as we can and stay out past sunset. we retire early. already my hands have found work, i'm brushing up on needle work.
we crack acorns while the sun shines on the driveway,  and put up the harvest in our larders.
crazy eights in the evening with teddy.
i'm already looking at the calender for the winter solstice, feeling apprehensive about this darker time, but i am going to try to be still and rest and care for myself. i want to be with all of the wonders and drudgery of this time....but: demeter is really without her persephone.

foraging FTW: pomegranate picked from a friend's, home-brewed kombucha with wild elderberry syrup, and acorn soup. oh yum yum yum.

NUTS, i'm in love. big creamy "sweet acorns" from the white oak family, valley oak. it turns out i've been misinformed about my oaks, maybe i heard something as a kid and never checked the facts, buuut, red oaks have more tannin (any oak with spiky leaves...black, live, etc..) and white oaks have less (blue, valley, etc...)

in folsom, ca, near my favorite tree, gathering the sweetest, fattest acorns. loving the plant community: elderberry, toyan, and cottonwood.

sometimes there's a swing some kid put up.

the giving tree

hailey, my love, helps.

deborah gets me the hook up. the earth is so fruitful.

the view from her place in newcastle.

she caught that big baby between us during his first moments out of the womb!

strawberries from down the street, pommy pips for jelly, pesto for days, acorns to be leeched.

shucking our bumper crop of pomegranates. tyler is so handsome. it's not often i see this face without hair. :)

my momma came down to help me can the pomegranate-strawberry jelly.

and it is the most delicious thing i've ever made.

we remember where we've been, and where we've come from. flopsy at teddy's school's alter.

and ferrell. he taught me so much of what i know now, of who i am. i'm still saying goodbye.

and: the one night of the year where it's cool to be in suburbia. i've never seen the neighborhood so packed. yes, that's two suckers in one hand. but guess what? they forgot all about their booty the next morning, and that's all she wrote.

teddy, obviously, is a mail carrier. lincoln's a lump.

the older kids from teddy's school had a haunted house in our area.

investigating small spaces, in three photos:

1. roses, hideout, clothesline.

2. dreams do come true: salvaged wood, hunted down in parking lots... shipping pallets and particle board; a completely free baby chicken coop in the works. i figured a lot of people don't have yards, and i was wasting my small but totally viable space by not going for it. updates to come. hailey even has a few hens for me.

3. a green tomato pie from my yard ------land-------- (getting romantic.)

dehydrated late season goodies from hailey's garden, and jarred them in olive oil. sooo good.

thinking about weaning. chronically. i think that means we're getting really close to pulling the plug. ty's going to have to fill in BIG TIME.

it's a good thing we're best friends.

right after his shave. whistle whistle whistle.

a sample of cold leaching.

acorn soup

in newcastle, at my friend heather's. she is a wild food expert and held an acorn class. be still my beating heart.

acorn "noodle," made from acorn starch. if you grind acorns and put them in a jar with water, a white layer of starch rises above the meal....it's called acorn "cream." you scoop it out and lay it flat in a pan, and it will thicken and congeal into this! we ate them in a stir fry with burdock roots.

acorn bread with violet jelly. i'm dying here, already in heaven.

love my acorny friends.

elderflower cordial in club soda.

bottom left: cheesecake with acorn crust. help me help me, rhonda. i'm begging you.

my little wild boy.

heather has the biggest pomegranate tree i've ever seen. the boys got lost under it, and i took home the lion's share.

she has really cool things in her pantry like pickled green almonds, oak moss, and pine tree flour. she asked me to be her assistant in future classes and i just about cried.

we're bustling and busy.
and it's good.
got a freezer full of summer's and autumn's fruits,
a corner full of squashes,
and cupboards filled with home made love.

hopefully a post soon about teddy's school.

happy journeys into long bare branches, extra blankets on the bed, and twinkling orion lit evenings! it's gonna be good.