the briefest of flashbacks...

once upon a time i was a single mom...

...to better understand the present.




(all of my teen pregnancy/parenting pictures are on a computer up the hill at my parent's house -trust me, they're good- as well teddy's baby pics... most of the photos seen here have been remotely scavenged from my old blog and fb.)



can anyone guess what happens when word gets out that there's a pregnant teen considering adoption?

answer: she gets courted. called. begged. bribed. and she meets everyone who has tried starting a family but who has yet to be successful. don't think me callous...being on one end of the adoption rope has filled me with great compassion for those folks on the other. i think being a scared pregnant teenager sums up the painful irony of two loving, stable people who can't get pregnant. we all reek of desperation.

life fact # 29: i have survived a teen pregnancy. i do not recommend it.

the weight of stereotypes and instant judgments crash down upon you with deep ocean force, and while the crippling is temporary the hobbling is forever, albeit a strong sort of hobbling. "wutsamatta wich'u?!" kind of awesome new toughness chip on your shoulder. frankly, i'm extremely proud of my self.

i know i sound flippant. there just isn't any real way to describe the hurt and disappointment i felt. i am content simply calling teen pregnancy a night-mare come true.

the fam trekking down sentinel dome..teddy up front on carl...i'm in the back striking an unforgettable pose.

 (i would be remiss if i did not mention my family's total support of teddy and i. how many other single moms do you know take modern dance classes, get full access to a lot of gorgeous land, and eat for free? love you mom and dad. xoxoxoxo.)

this sums it up: there was me, and that means teddy was there too. we were the number one duo.

and we lived in the woods.

two babies!

 with much pain and confusion i choose not to be a single mom. i wanted the baby to have two ready-made parents and i wanted to go on, get over it, and go crazy on this world and start back where the pregnancy began: in school, with a lot of goals and expectations.

man....if there was ever a family to be a single parent in. these are my siblings, their children, and my parents. can you even spot ted and i?

i think there's a reason i can hardly remember this. i was trying to survive and not bond with teddy. breaking the laws of nature.

paradise

 i was so young (still young now, but happily growing in maturity with experience..). and what's crazier than planning to survive this sort of life-long-pain of adoption is the birth father legally coming in (from a lengthy distance) and reversing the adoption. teddy came back to my trembling arms just a few days after i had signed the "dissolving of parental rights" papers and watched the tail lights disappear into the night with my baby.




all of a sudden i was the mother to the baby that my body had grown unwillingly (well, the body willingly, the mind not so much..)



it took a while to get used to people asking me if i was in fact the mother of this child, for instance at the grocery store. well-meaning elderly women went away shaking their heads. i tried my best to keep up appearances in public, so they wouldn't have to feel sorry for teddy. i got over the hype, and teddy and i just...were.

for now it sufficeth me to post at this surface level of feelings. it's a complex, beautiful, and strange story.. .like the traumatic, unnatural way teddy was born, or how it took me months to tell friends at school that i had a baby, and other sensitivities. teddy and i need each other. every single transition has been so hard and yet so easy. accepting my new role that was chosen for me by an old high school boyfriend has been... interesting, and without a doubt am i grateful for his reckless decision that concluded with teddy and i together, growing for life.


if i could change one thing cliche: 
if i could go back i'd try to relax during the pregnancy, and at least attempt to marvel at what my body was participating in; to appreciate the growth and take some of that stress off of a growing baby.


this blog segues me (hopefully) into another one.....pregnancy! pregnancy on purpose! a thoughtful, happy, present pregnancy! sharing this trip with my tyler! and the easy, bittersweet comparison between the two experiences.


 it's interesting that being in such a happy, pregnant place now with my soul mate can dredge up so much unreconciled grief. i am happy to report that i've faced the majority of it, and a part of me always knew that i'd feel the past so fresh once i was again pregnant.

and now onward. forward!!