by choice:

or by necessity, DRIFTING.


i am drifter.

i sleep on floors.

out of doors.

red elderberry 

gooseberry

on the verge of autumn in the high sierra, where it feels good to be young and alive.

climb mountains.

maintain freedom.

tadpoles at frog lake

elephant back, round top

i am. insatiable.

hemlock made of stars

i bathe in lakes,
wash my clothes in rivers.

i meet farmers,
who invite me over to lay out sheet mulch.
i eat fruit picked from neglected orchards

apples and pears.




waning summer.
forever restless,
school around the corner and the opportunity to create routine. sigh. (an opportunity to strengthen our weaknesses ;)  )
and when we are domestic:

little tap shoes for linky from the thrift store. and youtube videos of tapdancers.  who knew tyler was a 'dance-dad?'

new chairs from hospice, snacks.

teddy's summer vacation ends on tuesday, where he will return to a mixed-ages class to garden, investigate, play, work in groups, and explore. kids are wired to learn, to love it, to be so curious. so, basically, we know they're smart and we're not going to bog them down or waste their time or dampen their fires with tests, arbitrary standards, and other tediousness. the school focuses on community, where all children are seen and respected, and they form a little true democracy. it is THEIR school, their community. it's pretty incredible to witness. they take care of each other, there is no bullying, they are all equal. i see him growing into a confident, well-rounded human being. the alumni, the few i've met, are testament.

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.  <--- kahlil gibran

this poem was shared yesterday at the roseville community school orientation. we discussed how to grow community, how to connect in like mycelium to roots, giving and receiving, nourishing and being nourished--- even though we must leave what we build in a short time as the children grow older, like planting an orchard that you won't ever harvest from. i like to think that the school and it's philosophy pattern nature. even though i am flakey and introverted around the RCS gang, i feel like i am a part of this community. it is a refuge for the wild-hearted and their children, and even though teddy is the attending pupil i feel like the community supports me on my journey as a parent and as a whole person. it really is a village. some day i'll do an in-depth post on the school, because even though i am a drifter at heart, i've found a place to keep me and my kids fed and watered while we wait out the cultural/spiritual drought that the sensitive face in suburbia.

if i've gotta stay local to an area and have my schedule locked down in a mainstream way i'm happy it's at the roseville community school.

feeling grateful.

xoxo

summer farmer

alternate titles:
-summer's harvest
-still here!
-camerado
-really really long and over due summer post that gets fat and nags at me a little, but just a little, due to my conflicted relationship with the internet and my ego.

summer ripens, tips into an over-ripeness.

killdeer tracks

AS I lay with my head in your lap, Camerado,

The confession I made I resume—what I said to you in the open air I resume:

I know I am restless, and make others so;

three sisters.

I know my words are weapons, full of danger, full of death;

(Indeed I am myself the real soldier;

4 sisters

It is not he, there, with his bayonet, and not the red-striped artilleryman;)

For I confront peace, security, and all the settled laws, to unsettle them;

I am more resolute because all have denied me, than I could ever have been had all accepted me;

fungus

I heed not, and have never heeded, either experience, cautions, majorities, nor ridicule;

And the threat of what is call’d hell is little or nothing to me;

And the lure of what is call’d heaven is little or nothing to me;

...Dear camerado! I confess I have urged you onward with me, and still urge you, without the least idea

what is our destination,

Or whether we shall be victorious, or utterly quell’d and defeated. <---- W.W.

tahoe at sugar pine point. !!!!!

so.... i have a big family.

this is real, this water. so SOOTHING, invigoration. 

little brother and already broken-up-with paige :/

pulling cards

summer forge, roseville.

it's muggy by the swamp. we chase bullfrogs and red-eared sliders.

he says he loves me.

this bluebird feather i found makes me feel loved. :)

american river at soil born farms.

not love at all. :(

working at soil born farms, more for a later post! putting my hands where my heart is: the dirt!

me and my sisters all made flower crowns to celebrate summer and our time together. also, it's one of those things you will always love even if you can find them at every hip shop in the mall. such is the way with trends. why does every i love become something i see everywhere? jk. but i know i'm not the only one.

LOOK! it's ALL of my sisters, and my momma!

found this on facebook. whoever photo-shopped the kids in on the left is hilarious. there's still four missing. :)

9 out of 13 siblings, not bad for a dinner date! plus in-laws! 

i'm used to jostling, and noise, and commotion. there's so many of us that to be a family, together in the same area, is generally pretty chaotic. it only gets quiet and intimate if we break off. we gather in small groups, merging and migrating and trying to visit and catch-up with everyone. when i say we're close what i really mean is that we're comfortable with each other. it's homey and cozy to be with your big sisters and brothers, the ones you watched grow up and move out. full-disclosure: the overwhelming majority of my family is active in mormonism. i no longer pretend to participate. this sometimes means that prior to large family gatherings i tend to tense my tender shoulders of sensitivity in anticipation of conflict. or disapproval, because i have chosen a way that is feared by many of my siblings. i feel vulnerable. and this is just the nature of it. i wonder if we're all extroverted, or introverted. how we worked around each other for attention, if we really took care of each other while we were growing up. it feels so strange to be on the outside of something that i so desperately wanted to belong to; tried to hard to fit into. i know there's a place for me, well, because i fill that place, it is how i was constructed, this is my place in the cloth. black sheep syndrome.

such magical women!!

heather and addie, my favorite mommas! :) xoxo

mary. 

almost seven, his summer is just about spent!

bird's nest fungi, my favorite, seasons old.

sleepovers at my mom's, samples of foraged breakfast.

some one tell me the name of this berry plant!

roseville prairie sunset.

whale spotting, drakes bay, pt reyes

under-dressed.

mellow sunshine melon

mom win: fermented dilly beans, avocado/cocoa fudgsicle, salt dough, pageboy bangs.

such style.

tyler, linky, grandpa kurt

me, my brothers william and carl

my wildcat niece holly

my aunt suzy and her husband wayne.

a very mormon holiday, pioneer day: a mishmash of hippie skirts, bonnets, candy cannons, and snowcones.

just spinnin' on the swings.

"some day teddy, all of this will be yours...."

i will personally get my mom's cats fixed.

"picnic club"

a spectrum of august

oh the fresh soil foods of summer. eating so good! thank you, local farmers!

goatherds

a very helpful friend, ali!

sly park 

he's back!

joe came home from his mission.

work days at teddy's parent run co-op school, redoing the garden area.

talking rock in pleasant valley, near my folks' home, in squaw hollow. the marks in the rock are like a calender, as local legend goes. there are grinding rocks just opposite of it. so special.

where we picked these sweet early apples (winesaps???) from a tree planted during the gold rush.

the greatest treat, the beginnings of a late summer dessert crisp.

moldy kombucha, the first time this has happened to me! now my family really will be wary of trying my concoctions. but i've been having a lot of delicious fun fermenting veggies this summer.

tyler is rebuilding my schwinn. and linky is helping.

trying to get carl some dates with cool girls. know any?

i guess it's time to wrap this summer fest up by saying summer is almost over, even if there is a drought and even if it stays hot... everyday til the apocalypse ... til october. we tip from the growing into the drying up, into dormancy and rot. we try to harvest what we can before the fruit falls to the ground. some nights feel cooler. i start another semester soon, trying to plan some last minute adventures into the healing wild. i'm still a wild discontent in suburbia; as much as i try to pretend that i don't want to move away the harder the truth is to hide. i try to trust that change is constant and gradual. i pray to savor moments, and that my frustration won't trickle down to my children.

some evenings, when i sit outside of the plotted lot and the curb, near the whizzing cars, and watch the sunset grow brilliant over the industrial park, i think: maybe this isn't so bad.

xoxo